Thursday, July 24, 2014

One of those days

It’s only 11:18 am and I’m already wishing the day was over. I think it’s a combination of bad nights, already aching back and fatigue. I’m hoping it’s IBS-related and not because my iron’s already been depleted.

When you’ve done your best to inculcate good into your children, when you know you’ve definitely modelled only the best, and they still get angry at each other and snap-things they themselves they’ve never seen in you, the back pain and fatigue only increase.

When you clean the house and a few minutes later it’s looking even worse than before, and what is probably a molehill looks like a mountain and their own chores are waiting for them… You know, it’s one of those days.

But “those” days also have their positives. We had a good first school session of the day. So much so that they didn’t want to stop. And it’s a blessing that I’m doing this so I can at least teach lying in bed when the pain is too great. Working in England was pure torture. My body screamed till it could take it no more. This home education gig makes life easier.

The other positive. I love cooking. And I love naptime. No, not my naptime, the children’s nap time. Because it’s then that I can rest and let my guard down. It’s then I can admit that my body’s struggling. And it’s when I gain strength for the next activity. Cooking!! I enjoy cooking and at least after I’ve lain down, I can do it with a smile on my face.

Naptime is also when I do a bulk of my mentoring and ‘loving’ of young ladies who have conned themselves into believing come to the conclusion that I’m capable of much love and that think I have knowledge

to share. It’s my time to love, to cry, to laugh with my young sisters. I mean, when someone asks you to get rid of every picture from their FB album that is immodest and inappropriate and doesn’t reflect the path they are now on, you just HAVE to laugh. Especially when you’d never spoken to them about modesty. Naptime allows me to do that.

And yes, I’m still doing my Honours so the last few minutes of naptime help me do some reading.  I stopped because they changed the program but I just felt I couldn’t waste 3 subjects. I just don’t know which direction I’ll take or whether or not I’ll even finish it. Right now I’m doing one subject per year in the hopes they’ll resurrect the counselling qualification it was linked to. If not…

I’m thankful for naptimes! It’s my little bit of ‘me’ time after a long day… OK, the day hasn’t been that long! We’ve only been awake since 4am. And when you’re having one of those days and the housework is waiting, the cooking is waiting, that time of silence allows me to remember Who I am working for. Who owns my body. And that He does not require perfection from His imperfect vessel. He knows my strengths and my weaknesses. He allows the thorn in my flesh and He knows its purpose. And so I bow down and submit.

Thankful for having “one of those days.” They remind me of the blessings I have!

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

No surgery tomorrow morning

Too many blood vessels attached to it.

Biopsy to see if it’s (stupid tumour) dead early tomorrow.

Feel like the air has been sucked out my lungs.

We were hoping tomorrow would be the end of any visible cancer.

Now not sure what to think.

Talk about crushing disappointment.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

You DON’T..?

Sisters frequently study dress reform on their own and come to certain conclusions. And they then trumpet their being reformed in various ways. One way being their constant refrain of, “I’m a dress reformer” or “People often ask me why I don’t wear pants.” So you picture them like the ladies below…

hiking

Until you see them hiking.

rock climbing

Or climbing something.

Then you realise that their “I don’t wear pants” actually means, “I don’t wear pants sometimes, but at other times I do.”

What baffles me is that the loudest to shout, “I do dress reform” is sometimes one who (by their inconsistency)makes you wonder what they actually MEAN. You wish you could ask, “What is dress reform to you? Because what I know and what I see you do are two different things. Is it because one of us is not understanding it, or you’re not being consistent?”

I do understand that sometimes it’s because we haven’t thought it through, or we have not realised certain things. I once bought a long brown winter dress and thought it was modest, the neck was high and it was long. Until I posted a video of us singing and an online sister ( R ) pointed out how my chest area was highlighted. I never wore that dress again.

I have one young sister in the faith who does the inconsistency thing when it comes to pants, and I have tried to make it clear that she is being inconsistent. If she says she doesn’t wear pants, but then has pictures from the present in which she is wearing them, it then makes everything else she says also look untrustworthy. And she’s such a sweetheart that she doesn’t feel attacked or insulted by the gentle questioning. (ok, I guess two questions might not count as ‘questioning.’) And you know, I’ve mentioned in the past how inconsistent people make the consistent folk look like fakes too. (Only to those who want to go around looking for fakes as a reason not to surrender.)

Let’s walk the talk. If we aren’t sure that we are walking the talk, let’s ask for suggestions from others who we believe are knowledgeable so we don’t confuse people. Otherwise let’s stop talking until our walk matches our talk.

**images from HERE

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Female Bishops

I believe you all know my stance on women in authority in the church so I won’t comment on that regarding the Church of England vote. What I will comment upon is the sorrow expressed by some of the members. I actually teared up :-( They just sound so let down, so disappointed, in such perplexity and feeling betrayed. I don’t blame them when even some atheists and non-Christians point out that these ‘Christians’ are not following “their Bible, their instruction manual.”

So the question becomes, then what? If my church were to take such a decision, what would I do? So many comments echoed one member who wrote, “Oh my God, what have they done? That’s it, I’m leaving the church.” If s/he does leave, where will they go? What will they do? Will they find a congregation NOT led by a female and keep worshipping there or do they now believe everything under the banner of C of E has now been tarnished?

I feel really sorry for the faithful believers who thought their church was based on the Bible and the Bible alone. I also do agree with one commenter who wrote, “They voted on this before and it didn’t go through, was their point all along to keep voting on it until they get what they want?”

And that’s the thing. It’s about what THEY want, not about what God wants. I hadn’t really reacted to this story when it broke. But the reactions have moved me. Everywhere, there’s a shaking going on. What (Who) will we hold onto?

Doing it on Sundays

I usually do it during the week and we watch a history or religious documentary so at least we’re still “doing school” but now I’ve realised that I was straining my back for no good reason! I’ll do it on Sundays.I tightened Eliora’s locs this past Sunday and because  I have more than one bodkin (yay me), I got some help! The last time he helped me was when she was a toddler.

What made me laugh was that it was obvious that she has no recollection of her dad ever tightening her hair with me. She saw him and worriedly asked, “Is Daddy going to do my hair?? Does he know how to do it!?” Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I’m glad though, less time sitting = less back pain.

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Monday, July 14, 2014

You can’t fix bitter

There are times when no matter how sincere you are, no matter how loving you are, if you dare show someone that they have made a mistake, they will not respond in a manner that brings about peace. There are times when you even ask other objective people if you did anything wrong, and they’ll tell you you were actually quite gentle. Even so, the person becomes filled with bitterness.

That’s so typical in the religious world. Some of us are grateful. Some of us are at first defensive then realise the person was just looking out for us and came from a place of deep love, and some of us use that as an opportunity to hate with a hatred so deep that no matter how many coals of fire are heaped on their head, it makes no difference.

The Bible says that before you go make your sacrifice, make things right. But there are times that no matter how often you make the first move, the move is one-sided. You keep loving, they keep hating.

You have done all you could. Time to stop. In a way, trying to make amends when you were never in the wrong in the first place is a way of ‘forcing’ yourself on someone. You have done all you could. Now stop. Inspiration tells us that there are people who even if Jesus Himself, or one of His angels spoke rebuked them, would never come right.

It’s time to let go. It hurts to be at variance. Especially when it was because of love. But it’s time to let go. You can’t fix bitter.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Thankful Thursday

When there are no other options using natural remedies and a life is on the line, choosing toxic chemo is a partly easy choice.

But made so much easier when there are positive results.

The body only has the much smaller tumour to deal with. The rest of the body is clear of all signs of cancer. It’s all clear. And the tumour has shrunk a lot.

It’s so much easier to accept what chemo does if it does what we hope it will do.

And so while we are well aware that tumours morph and become resistant. While we are aware that there are invisible cancer cells. We are thankful that the MIBG scan revealed nothing bad and better than expected after 4 rounds. I am thankful that my little niece has a fighting chance. And hopeful that things will only go from better to excellent. The rest, we leave to the doctor next week. (He’s on leave this week.)