Wednesday, October 29, 2014

My greatest fear

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My greatest fear is that I will not have done enough for my children emotionally and spiritually. I don’t know if they REALLY know I love them. More importantly, actually, I know they know right now because they randomly thank me for how their dad and I love them. But will they always know it? Will they realise that everything we do is for their best? Will they know that we have sacrificed our (selfish) happiness sometimes, so that they can experience true eternal joy? Will the understand that our every breath and thought (when it comes to them) is about their benefit?

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Am I spending enough time with them? Am I spending enough quality time with them? Do I know them well? Will they know they can come to with every problem and that I will never get angry with them no matter how disappointed I may feel? If my daughter were to fall pregnant, would she come tell me or would she hide it and do something unmentionable like trying to flush the baby down the toilet or dumping it in the veld? Would my son come and tell me if the world ever drew him in and he started struggling with temptation? Or would they merrily forget everything we have taught them? Will they remember our hugs and giggles and singing and praying and know that if they were to stray, they could return and have those times again? Or would they drift further and further away? Will they cherish the moments we’ve had and think of them fondly?

Am I doing everything I can to show them God’s love? Do they see Him as a loving Father who wants to spend eternity with them? When my son is on on his own, reading his Bible and mission books, is he yearning to be with the God who inspired the authors? When my daughter asks to spend time with me, when she can’t wait for her dad to come home, does it give me a glimpse of how she will desire to spend time with her Father in heaven? Are they loving and caring for others the same way Jesus cares for us. Do they see our love for others and does it inspire the same love in them?

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My greatest fear is that I will miss something. That God will say, “But you knew, why could you not ask me to teach you how to do it? Why didn’t you come to Me for strength and ability?” My greatest fear is to never hear my Saviour say, “Well done, good and faithful servant, you have brought my precious lambs with you, enter thou into the joy of the Lord.”

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Still going strong-my blood

The iron infusion (Cosmofer) that I had in May is still going strong. I had a ferritin levels of 3 (normal being 18-150) and it went up to 24. My Hemoglobin went from 8 to 12.3, 0.1 higher than the lowest.

So…next check up will be in two months.

And I still have the energy! I can’t believe how bad I used to feel. And hoping things don’t go down again because I’m enjoying it! The only thing stopping me now is back pain. I’ll never forget the day I literally screamed in frustration at my dizziness, the way I felt as if my body was weighed down and I felt as if I was dragging it. I just cried in pure frustration. May I never go there again, so help me Lord!

Monday, October 27, 2014

Children are dead in America

as they are all over the world.

Children were kidnapped.

Shot.

By adults and children.

I wish I could just take everyone’s pain away. Parents do not wake up assuming that their children will be victims of such random acts of violence.

Tell me there’s no devil when such evil things are taking over. And to think it’s only going to get worse before it gets MUCH better.

This world is a frightening  place. There really is no point in being in it. Let’s all strive to enter the better land where we will not fear. EVER.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

It takes humility to admit that you have been wrong all along. To apologise to all those who have been led astray or confused by your influence or example.

That type of humility will bring you much respect.

It takes much humility to let go of a cherished dream when you realise that it clashes with God’s principles. To forsake the ambition and drive you had for something specific because though your family agrees with it, God doesn’t.

That type of humility will earn you respect from me.

I respect anyone whose convictions trump self. Who would rather admit that they had it wrong but are now willing to do it right.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Magnifying Its Flaws

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I put this up on our Facebook wall, asking if anyone knows its name. The previous owners had planted it and it has a delicious scent. And sometimes, that lovely perfume enters the bedroom too. Two people told me the answer…(Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow)

I was going to take a close up of its flowers, but then realised that the white ones (There are deep purple, then almost light lilac and then white) had brown spots on them. (Today there are more than just ‘spots of brown) I decided I didn’t want to magnify the ugly flaws and just took a picture from a distance.

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Someone took the picture I posted and put it on her wall, together with information she had gained regarding why this plant was given this name. (Amongst other names like “Kiss Me Quick.” It turns out that the flower blooms for 3 days then drops off. The colours lighten each day before falling.

Ahh, so I guess that’s why there were brown spots, it showed how each white, spotted, blemished flower was about to fall off and die.

It reminded me of myself. I don’t want my flaws to be visible to people. I definitely don’t want them to be magnified and fully visible for all to see. Yet I forget that my Father can see everything, better than even I can see it. I don’t want to be so flawed, so permanently flawed,that I die. I want to be “without spot” and unblemished. I want people to be able to see every part of me and only see perfection. I can’t do that on my own, just like these flowers can’t breathe new life into themselves.

I am imperfect but I cannot remain imperfect and survive the Father’s scrutiny. His Son told me to be perfect just as He is perfect. (Matt 5:48) But with my brown spots, with evidence of eternal death upon me, I need HIS power to change me. To change my character. When God sees me, I want Him to see a pure white bloom. When He looks at me closely, He must see His white, pure, perfect character wrapped around me. I want to be as unflawed as He is. I want to be like-minded, hating the things He hates. Loving what He loves. Our life on this earth might as well last only 3 days, when compared to eternity. One day, I want to be able to live as long as He lives.

Unlike this flower, Jesus stays the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. I want to be like Him. As beautiful and as lovely this flower is, I want to be even better-consistently. I don’t want to change who I am depending on the mood I’m in or where I am, or the time of day or night. I want to be like Christ. Unblemished.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Am I the Daft One?

I sometimes see people who may post something like, “Ugh, head cold today. Nose so stuffed up!” and the comments will be a list of what they should do to get rid of the cold.

Maybe I’m the socially unaware one, when did they ask for help? I’d understand if they said, “Ugh, been unable to shake this cold for 2 weeks now, someone help! What must I do?” or “ Ahh, I don’t know how to get rid of this cough!!”

I’m bringing this up because I once posted about my friend and my niece and cancer. I DEFINITELY didn’t ask for suggestions on how to treat it, after all, I’m not my friend nor my niece! If they want (me to give) suggestions, they’ll ask (me to ask). But I got a nice rundown of what to try because that person’s friend had ‘cured’ their 1 year old child of cancer with natural treatment.

Firstly, who said none of the above-mentioned people hadn’t tried natural therapies already? One of whom actually HAS tried, at the peril of her life! And who said that I would ever want to tell any other parent how to treat their child’s cancer? And thirdly, was this remedy tried on anyone with these people’s SPECIFIC cancer?

Let’s dwell on how number 2 and 3 are linked. Here someone comes-who hasn’t ever treated and CURED anyone’s cancer, of any type. And when I ask what TYPE of Leukemia it was, she doesn’t know. (Not that what ‘cured’ a baby would necessarily cure an adult!) Let’s apply this to the one who did not try natural remedies. I tell my cousin taking care of a minor, that they should ditch chemo-which sometimes does help-in order to try a cure for a different type of cancer, based on the testimony of this lady who has never treated any cancer-the two cancers being so different that one produces tumours while the other is basically almost a blood cancer. How does that work? Would that not be crazy of me? “Hi Cous, why not leave this tried and tested method to try something that no-one else has ever tried, well, not for this that your precious child is dealing with?” I’m not irresponsible. I would only think of mildly suggesting it if I had evidence that it had 100% worked every time, that there were no confounding variables in the subjects who were cured and that it would not cost an arm and a leg to try.

Secondly, my job is to support. If there are any improvements to be made that I know she is open to, I can certainly suggest them, or answer when asked. But my job is to support, not to second guess what she is doing for her beloved child. Especially when I am very aware of what this cancer does. Especially when I don’t know anything about how to treat it. Why would I dare interfere when I have never dealt with this type personally, and why would I interfere and risk the child’s life?

And so, maybe you do mean, “Tell me how to fix it” when I say, “Oh no, my buckle broke just as I was on my way to a job interview,” but I don’t. I just mean, “Typical Murphy’s Law, always out to get me!” When I say my car broke down on my home from visiting in hospital, that’s all I mean. I don’t mean I want a way to stop someone from being in hospital. (No, my car didn’t break down.

Monday, October 13, 2014

I Live

I live because I still have breath within me. I live because my Creator has been merciful and given me undeserved life. I live because the gift of His breath is within me.

His breath is within me. I need to live to show forth His glory. I need to live for Him. I live to be a blessing just as He is a blessing to me. I live to serve, just as His Son serves. I live to be true, just as He is the Truth. I live to show the way to One who is the Way. I live the way I live because I want eternal life with the Originator of all life.

I live because He lives. I live the way I believe He wants me to live. I live because of Him. I live my life for Him. I live so that I can one day be like Him in character and purity. I live so that I can see Him and speak to Him and thank Him for every good gift He has ever given me in this life.

I live to die daily. May others see God in my life. May my life help them find eternal life. May they live because I live..because He lives within me.