Friday, January 23, 2015

I’m Not Alone

My husband is one of the most laidback people I have ever met. He relaxes about everything. When I was diagnosed as infertile, he told me, “No, God told me we’ll have a child. Here’s a toy penguin with a baby, that I bought you as a physical reminder that it’s going to happen.” When I’d plaintively ask, “But WHEN??? Are you SURE!” He’d say, ‘'Before 5 years is over…” Try telling an infertile woman that you know they’ll fall pregnant ‘sometime’ in the next 5 loooooong  years and see how well that goes down ;-)

So, with this adoption thing, he’s laidback as well. Bah humbug! He’s like, “Ag, I’m sure by June we’ll have a baby, relax!” Whereas I’m all, “But we don’t know what they’re up to and how long it will take!”

My only solace is that I’m not alone. Other women who have blogged during the process-too few here in South Africa-also experienced the same, “When? How long, what’s next and when?” issue. Same with other males who are interested-and have no clue how involved the whole process is ;-)Even one of my family references in the midst of her pregnancy AND labour, has been asking if I’ve heard from the agency.

The answer is, yes.

They sent out the reference forms to our references this past Monday the 19th of Jan. Woohoo!!

One of the references asked if we’ve heard back from the agency (on Wednesday) and if all the references have sent their letters in. I’m too shy to ask each person! So I’m HOPING they’ve sent them all in. Two of my references sent me copies of what they wrote. Made me a bit weepy. They were so sweet and brought out things about our relationship and parenting that I’d never think of bringing up. I know one of them did send it to the agency. I’m hoping the other DID send it it in and not only to me! The one (the ref who’s not a friend/relative) must have sent it in, because he asked if we’ve heard. So, out of 5, I’m only sure of 2. Not good for this “instant gratification” woman!

To repeat-once the agency is satisfied with those, they’ll get in touch to make an appointment for our psych assessments-which we need to pay for. Only when that is done will it really feel like we are starting the process. (And yes, I did read from one blog that it takes some time after the assessments to hear back re the next step. Of course, ‘some time’ as seen through our ‘female adoption’ lens is different to ‘some time’ in other people’s language ;-)) A week feels like an eternity when you’re aching to hold a little one in your hand and you aren’t sure if/when that will happen.

Love brings an ache.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

White Lies are Black, Madam Blogger

A lie is a lie, no matter the reason is for telling it. Yes, there are examples in the Bible where people were commended who lied to save someone else-like Rahab-but she wasn’t an Israelite and knew no better. None of the spies told her to lie and she was never commended for the lie, but rather for saving souls.

So, when I came across a VERY (v v) popular blogger who firstly said people shouldn’t have taken her post at face value because she was just massaging facts for impact, it was a red flag. Then she posted that she sees nothing wrong with white lies. THEN she said that she lied to her husband about who had broken a vase.

Woah!

Alright. That’s one less reader for your blog. Why would I bother reading if I know for a fact that I cannot believe what you write? If you can ‘massage’ facts, if you can lie to the husband you love, obviously you can lie to us too, and why should we read your blog when we can just go to the library and get a novel?

Yeah. I don’t do lies.

It’s bad enough hoping that what you’re reading is true, but when you mention more than once that you’re a liar. Nah, not for me. We read because we want to find authenticity. Unless we know your entire blog is satirical, in which case, your readers expect it.

A lie is a lie. No matter what justification you make for it. And I hate lies.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Her Tastes are My Fault

So…

IMG_1248 (Yes, she’s eating a lemon. No, I don’t eat lemons.)

We’re paying the (Xhosa) cashier and she starts asking how the girl’s hair is done and who does it etc. Then she asks why it’s not styled. So I explain that the girl likes her hair loose and free instead of tight. (Didn’t bother mentioning that I actually dislike most loc styles I’ve seen so don’t desire to emulate them anyway. I know, I’m a weirdo.)

The cashier’s answer was, after looking at my head, “Well, it’s your fault that she doesn’t want to style her. Yours isn’t styled either.”

IMG_1739

Not sure how I was meant to respond to that.

Not sure why it’s a necessity to ‘style’ our hair anyway!

Ahh. ‘We’ sure do love to talk.

2015..Meh…

There’s a colleague of my husband’s who told him about a lady she knew who adopted via Procare. She was pregnant with twins. She gave birth to the twins on Monday and died Saturday.

So now you see why for me, there was no ‘celebrating’ another year because I know what this world is like. It’s really celebrating that somehow we are still alive and un-maimed while others who have no choice are killed in their villages. Others are fleeing for their lives, tripping over bodies while gunmen chase them.

I still have that ‘meh’ feeling. But I’m also finding the moments of contentment as well.

I was updating the children and telling them more about the process yesterday. We are now on the system and next week Monday (hopefully) our references letters should go out to the references. After they’ve been returned, we then go for the (3 hour if I’m not mistaken) psycho-social assessments. The boy asks what that entails, with my daughter insisting that she would LOVE to answer psych questions. I answer that from what I’ve heard, the individual ones basically test stuff like whether you might have schizophrenic tendencies or something and just other things while the one for us as couples maybe asks things like, “How do you resolve conflict?’'”

Boy quickly answers, “Well, that’s easy, you guys don’t have conflict anyway!”

It’s not normal, but when you know your children notice that you never shout and fight, it makes the peace worth it. Especially when the peace isn’t built upon being a doormat or going against your conscience. That is a peace worth enjoying. I hope they’ll ever remember their peaceful home.

Sunday, January 11, 2015

NOT an adoption update

This is NOT an adoption update because there isn’t one! I have a rough timeline but it’s not set in stone yet. We are waiting for them to return from holiday and start the process.

Firstly-put all our info. (from the document we filled in regarding  onto the database. Not sure when that will happen. The lady who does that will only be back at work tomorrow and who knows how much work is waiting for her? We aren’t her only couple after all! And it’s a lot of stuff to import.

Then when that is done, a different worker will send our 5 4 references requests for their letters. She will most likely only start working on people like us next week onwards. One of our references has a terribly high risk pregnancy. No, scratch that, the baby is in dire straits and we don’t know what will happen and how when the baby is born. The baby is due round about the same time the lady who sends out the reference requests will BEGIN processing 2015 adoptions so we have no clue when THOSE will be sent, nor when our references will respond. Thankfully she did give us a form for this particular person to type up and send back before baby comes.

Then we wait for a date for psycho-social assessments, which is an individual meeting with the psychologist for each of us, then a marital assessment with us together. The rest, I know, but will mention it later. I just want to give an idea of the types of questions asked in the intake form that we were given after orientation.

The first section is our details-address, telephone numbers etc.The details of our 5 references: one family on my side, one on his, 2 friends and an independent person with some type of ‘authority’ or someone who’d be viewed with respect. We chose husband’s fellow serving elder. Then it asks why you want to adopt, your thoughts on parenting, experience, the child you’d accept (gender, singleton or multiple, physical disability etc) details regarding your background, your marriage, financial details etc. It’s quite involved and we had to attach certain documents…

So..yeah, nothing yet. Just waiting…

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Freedom of Speech = Freedom to Deride?

Death for satire is wrong. Agreed. I don’t want to imagine the fear, pain and anguish the victims went through.

What I am wondering about are people who are now saying  (in response to the murders) “religions should be subject to satire…”

THAT I disagree with.

In the same way I don’t mock anyone else for their beliefs, I’d rather you didn’t mock my beliefs nor my God.

End of.

But if you do, I promise I won’t harbour ANY murderous intentions at all.

Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Race Relations

I don’t know if I’ve once mentioned this. Soon after we moved here, maybe a week or so, we were outside watching dear husband as he washed the cars outside. People started driving up our street and some made u-turns at the top. I jokingly told dear husband, “Maybe they’ve heard there are black people living here and came to see!” … I’m wondering if I wasn’t right.

Yesterday as we were going out for a walk, an older Afrikaner gentleman across the road waved us over. He was topless. Those who know our modesty views know how this made me cringe. Dear Husband even said to me, “You don’t have to come, keep walking and I’ll go talk to him.” Ha ha. The last thing I want is to be thought of as a snob, so I joined him at the neighbour’s wall. The guy was very friendly. Shook our hands excitedly and was very happy.

He said, “I’m so happy to see you living here! I live in Johannesburg but come every 3 months. When I saw you, I told my wife, ‘This is NICE! It’s the first time I’ve seen black people living here!’ Welcome, feel at home! I’ve seen your children, they’re beautiful!” He went on and on and let out that he had bought his gardener a house and that we were free to make use of him on his off days etc. It was hilarious. Especially when he told us to pay no mind to the Afrikaners, he too is used to being in the minority as the place he lives in Johannesburg is black. (Hillbrow) Ahh, it cracked us up.

But it was good. Very different to the other old gentleman who just stared the day we moved in and didn’t know what to say when I walked over to introduce myself! And yeah, I really do think people came driving up and down that day to come see for themselves. The road has never again been that busy, and never was, before that! Ha ha ha.

                                    IMG_1755